I took a step towards her, my hands shaking with the urge to punch that smug look off of her face.

"That's pretty rich considering I heard you fucked your way through the phone book when you were with Carter. Your vagina is a giant gaping hole like the one the iceberg left on the titanic. It's a crime scene in your pants with hundreds of people screaming in horror and trying to jump the fuck off."

I didn't even know what I was saying at this point. I was just spouting nonsense because I was pissed. And it looked like I hit the nail on the head - or the vagina. Tasha charged me like a bull. Everyone moved at once. I moved out of the way, Carter, Liz and Jim all got in front of me and grabbed onto Tasha while she screamed about killing me. It turns out, porn star-slut-ex-girlfriends aren’t so pretty when they have tomato-red faces, spit flying out of their mouths and their limbs are flailing all over the place.

Carter finally managed to grab Tasha’s elbow and started pulling her with him over to the front door while she continued to yell insults and death threats at me. Carter made eye contact with me and mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ before he disappeared out the front door with the nut job.

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little freaked out. It felt like everyone in the place was looking at me. It was so loud in here, no one had any clue what had just happened, but it still unnerved me. I hated being the center of attention. And I hated how insecure I felt because right now, Carter was outside, alone, with his ex-girlfriend. Granted, she was obviously one window lick away from riding the short bus, but that knowledge did nothing to ease my mind.

I let one of the other waitresses know when she walked by that I was going to take a break for a few minutes. Liz pushed me down onto her barstool and Jim stood behind me rubbing my shoulders to try and ease the tension. Neither of them said much. I think they were waiting for me to have a mental breakdown or curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. I had never been in any kind of a fight before. I talked a good game but the first time someone came at me I ran the other way. One time in high school, Liz and I were walking through the mall and some crazy emo chick walked by us and slammed her shoulder into mine. Without thinking, I turned and shouted “Stop writing poetry and crying and watch where you’re going!”

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around, along with the rest of her depressed, too-much black eye make-up posse. I quickly stuck the straw of my cherry slush in my mouth and pointed my thumb at Liz.

"What did we miss, kids?" Drew asked, coming up behind us a few minutes later with his arm around Jenny as the rest of us just stood there staring at the door where Carter had disappeared.

I turned around to face him and his shirt that said, "I shaved my balls for this?"

“Somebody just tried to kill me,” I told him in a horrified voice.

“What? Who?” Drew asked.

"Tasha." Liz said with disgust.

Jenny immediately looked guilty.

"Oh shit! She was here already? Claire, I'm so sorry. Tasha is all my fault.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You know that crazy bitch?” Liz asked.

“We went to college together and she called me a few weeks ago and said she'd be in town and wanted to get together. That's why she was at the sex toy party. She was only supposed to stay for that weekend but she decided to stick around longer. I had no idea she knew Carter until a little bit ago. She asked me if I knew Carter and said she was an old friend and wanted to say hi. It wasn’t until after I told her where you guys were going to be tonight that I remembered she used to date a guy named Carter. That's why we came up here. I really thought we’d get here before her so I could fix this. "

Drew removed his arm from around Jenny and turned to face me, jumping into action.

"Okay, Claire, here's what we need to do first. Do you know how to throw a punch?" Drew asked as he grabbed my arms and stared seriously into my eyes.

"What? No. What are you talking about? I'm not going to fight her," I said with a roll of my eyes.

"You don’t understand. I’ve known this freak for years. Did she threaten you?" Drew asked.

"Yeah, that cum dumpster said she'd kick Claire’s ass," Liz told him.

"Oh it's on now! It's on like Frogger!" Drew shouted in excitement.

"Don't you mean Donkey Kong?" Jim asked as he stood behind Liz and slid his arms around her waist.

"I never really liked Donkey Kong. So it was never on. Frogger just works better for me."

"Drew, nothing is going to be on. I have never been in a fight and I'm not going to start now. Carter took her outside and is hopefully telling her to go to hell. Problem solved," I said.

Drew looked at me in horror. "Claire, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation. Now, as much as I hate Tasha like a fire burning rash on my dick, she's still hot. And Claire, you're a total MILF."

I looked at him in confusion. "Drew, what the hell does this have to do with anything?"

"It's like you don't even know me Claire," Drew said sadly with a shake of his head.

He let go of my arms and stepped back, wiping an imaginary tear from under his eye.

"Jim, help me out here man. I'm too upset to continue."

Jim untangled his arms from Liz and took a step forward to pat Drew on the back.

"As Drew has pointed out Claire, you're hot. And while we all agree that Cray-Cray needs to be put in her place, unfortunately, she’s hot too. And you're both chicks with long hair. And we're in a restaurant that has approximately four different flavors of Jell-O in the back room," Jim explained seriously.

"Oh my God are you fucking kidding me?" Liz asked. "This is about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O?"

"Liz. It's ALWAYS about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O. Never, ever forget that," Drew said without any trace of humor in his voice. “Jell-O is delicious.”

Liz looked over at me. "You know, even though these two morons are speaking with their dicks right now, you should probably learn how to hit something. You know, just in case Carter can’t talk any sense into her. If she comes back in here, obviously we’ll all take her out, but what if she sneaks up on you when you’re unloading groceries from your car? Or jumps up from your backseat while you’re driving down the highway?" she asked.

“Oh my God, what is wrong with you?! This is not helping me AT ALL!” I screeched.

“Alright, that was probably an exaggeration. Besides, her tits are too big to squeeze down in the backseat of a car. You’d totally see her first,” Liz replied with a shrug. “And now, you can learn how to pop one of those implants without breaking a nail.”

This was really not happening was it? I didn't want to learn how to fight. I should have kept my mouth shut with the twat face giant vagina comments.

Drew turned to face me and put both of his hands up in the air with his palms facing out.

"Alright, strap on your brass balls and hit me," Drew said, widening his stance.

I stood there with my hands on my hips looking around at everyone. They all stood there waiting for me to punch Drew’s hands.

"This is the dumbest idea ever," I complained.

"Come on Claire, let 'er rip. Then you can go outside and tear her shit up like a Cyclops," Jenny said.

"Cyclops?" Jim asked.

"You know, that other name for like, a hurricane or tornado. Cyclops."

We all cocked our heads at her in confusion.