“You are everything that is good in the world, Saige. Everything,” he says in my ear as we share our first embrace since I found him in that hotel room.

“I want to be better for you. I want to be good for you.”

“You already are,” I say.

We spend the rest of the day talking. Like I did in my letter, he lays everything out. He tells me things I already know and things I don’t. It’s harsh and ugly and heartbreaking, but I listen to every single word.

I owe it to him. He read all about my past. Not that I had anything near as horrible in mine. Still, if we want to be together, this is what it’s going to take.

When he finally finishes, I can sense that he’s coming back to his old self.

“I think I need to talk to someone. Someone other than you. A professional. I just never have because most of my activities aren’t all that legal.” That is a good point. I’m not sure what the protocol is if a shrink hears their patient doing illegal activities.

“I’m sure we can find someone who wouldn’t break your confidentiality. There has to be someone out there.”

He finally shows me a glimmer of a smile.

“I didn’t think it was going to be as hard as it was. But I’m glad I told you. You’re the only person in the world who knows everything.” That’s quite a responsibility and I don’t take it lightly.

I lean forward and kiss one cheek, then the other.

“Thank you for trusting me.”

He laughs.

“I still don’t trust you. But I love you anyway.”

That makes me laugh as well.

“Fair enough.”

We’re both completely and totally exhausted, so we head to bed without even getting undressed. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it to class tomorrow, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

Sylas wraps his arms and legs around me, as if he’s afraid I’m going to vanish. I hope I can comfort him, but then I’m the one who wakes in the middle of the night and can’t breathe.

The nightmares are back.

I thought when Sylas started sleeping over they were going to go away. In the past, they seemed to strike when I was sleeping alone. It was actually one of the reasons I went through so many boyfriends my first two years of college. It wasn’t about the sex, it was about the sleeping together afterward. Finding guys that were up for staying over wasn’t easy.

With Sylas, I only had one episode at the hotel, and then I thought I was done. I felt secure and I was in love and my life was on track.

Sylas comforts me as I cry and try and remember what happened. I never can. As soon as I think I remember something, it fades away quicker than I can try to grab onto it. I thought I had learned how to deal with it, but if this is going to be a pattern, I’m going to have to do something. I can’t sit by and let this keep happening to me. Can’t let my subconscious control my life.

“What a mess we are,” I say, closing my eyes and matching my breathing to Sylas’.

“Maybe that’s why we fit together.”

Eighteen

Sylas proves that he’s wonderful when he wakes me the next morning with enough time for me to shower and get to class on time. He gets up with me, even though he should probably stay in bed and rest some more.

“I wish I’d gone to college,” he says, watching me get dressed. I can’t help but blush at the way he watches my body move, his gaze both hot and appreciative at the same time. I would absolutely love to lose myself with him, but there’s no time.

“You do? What would you have studied?” Sometimes I think about the “Quinn” bits of information he told me and which ones are actually true. He put a surprising amount of himself in that character he played. But maybe it was easier to lie that way. Sprinkle in a dash of truth.

“I don’t know. I was so lost in high school. Always distracted by what was happening at home. I never really had the chance to explore anything. And then I started doing this and never looked back.” I decide to pull my hair up and look at him in the mirror as I make sure I get my bun just right.

“You could always go back. Live the straight life,” I say, winking. We both know there is no going back for either of us. We were made for this life. It will always be a part of us. I know that even if I don’t work with my father anymore, it will still follow me.

We’ll always have our secret lives, but at least we can have them together.

“Maybe.” He rolls over on his back and Leo jumps on the bed.

“You could. Think about it.”

He’s lost in thought again as I head out. I don’t ask him to promise me he’s not going to leave. I don’t have to. This time, at least, I trust him to stay put.

Dad calls me during lunch and I want to avoid the call, but I also don’t want him to be suspicious.

“Hey, Dad.” I wish my voice sounded more upbeat. I sound tired.

“Hey, Saige. I was just checking in. How are things?” Could he be more obvious?

“Dad. Come out and say it. You’re calling to ask about Sylas. It’s finals week and I don’t have time to beat around the bush.” I’m lucky my father doesn’t mind when I snap at him like this. He’s more than used to it.

“Fine. How are things with Sylas?” He says Sylas’ name like it tastes bad in his mouth. I find it strange, because not that long ago, he was doing whatever he could to get Sylas to let him see Lizzy. Interesting how things can change when his daughter is involved.

“Things with Sylas are fine.” Not even close.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t saddled up and charged down to Texas. You know I’ve got people watching him.” The way he says it tells me that he already knows Sylas went.

“He came back. He didn’t do it, Dad.”

“I know. That’s why I’m going to.” I feel a headache coming on.

“Can’t you just have someone else take care of it?” I disguise my language without even thinking about it. No conversation is private in the information age. It is beyond easy to hack into a cell phone and pick up someone else’s conversation.

“No. I’m taking care of this mess. If I hadn’t been a coward so many years ago, it never would have happened.” He thinks he’s directly responsible for everything because he didn’t stay with Sylas and Lizzy’s mother, which is ridiculous. It’s crazy what we can feel guilt over.

“If I hadn’t intervened, it wouldn’t have happened.” I shake my head, but he can’t see me.

“Dad, it’s not that simple. I wish you wouldn’t do this. I don’t think it’s going to be as satisfying as you think it is.” I know it won’t, but that won’t stop him from doing it. I just hope he doesn’t regret having more blood on his hands.

“I’m not discussing this with you. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be out of town if you come by the house.” I’m sure he’s told my mother it’s a business trip of some sort. She won’t even notice he’s gone. She never does.

“Fine. But just think about what I said. I love you.”

“Love you, too.” I let out the world’s longest sigh and then my phone rings again, scaring the shit out of me.

It’s Lo. I know if I don’t answer, she’ll leave a long and rambling voicemail and I’d rather just figure out what she wants and get the conversation over with. I hate that she’s moved down my priority ladder. I told myself I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who ditches her friends for a man. This isn’t exactly like cancelling plans with her so I can go see my boyfriend’s new band play, but it’s still not good friend behavior.

“Hey, Lo. I can’t talk long,” I say right off the bat.