Sam looked pleasantly surprised with this turn of events and eyed me like I was dessert. I glided over to the bed, crawled on top, and swung my leg over Sam’s lower thighs.

I smirked at him and, in my most sultry voice, said, “You were right all along. I’ve been wanting you, bad.”

“Yeah?” Sam said with the same excitement as a dog waiting for a bone.”

“Yes. I’ve been waiting all night to do this,” I sat on my knees and flipped my hair, bringing on all the charm I could think off.

“Give me all you’ve got, baby.”

I smiled, balled my hand into a hard fist, and punched his groin.

He let out a high pitched yelp, grabbed his balls, and tried twisting his body to the side. Miles came back into the room and surveyed the damaged. He threw his hand in the air and gave me a high five. “Nicely done.”

I climbed off the bed and turned my attention back to Sam. “You have two seconds to get your bruised balls out of our room.”

He slithered out of the room, still clutching his balls.

“So much for his family jewels,” Miles said.

“Yup. He’ll be lucky if there are any family jewels left to sell on QVC after that punch.” I laughed.

Morning arrived too quickly after our romp in the kitchen. I woke up alone and felt cold in the sheets. Miles had gotten up some time ago and was probably downstairs getting his coffee. I was sore all over my body, especially were Miles gripped my hips. But I loved feeling this way, taken by the man who stole my heart. And my vagina.

I took a quick shower and got ready for a day of sleuthing. I walked downstairs and heard fast conversation. Or was it crying? I hurried into the dining room and found Miles, Renee, Ryan, Bob, and a crying, distressed Debbie.

“What’s wrong?” I inquired.

Debbie tried to speak through her broken sobs. “My jewelry is missing.”

I thought back to last night and the impressive amount of jewelry she had on her body.

“How much was taken?”

“About one million dollars’ worth of jewelry,” Bob said as he tried to console his young bride.

I couldn’t stop my lower jaw from falling to the floor when he said one million. I tried to put it into perspective by thinking about how many cupcakes I could buy with a million dollars. That was how I equated things… money to food. And that was a shitload of cupcakes.

“Are you sure? You were wearing a lot of beautiful jewelry last night?” I asked when what I really wanted to say was, “Ho, you were drowning in diamonds last night, quit your bitching.”

“Why don’t we go for another look,” said Ryan. “I’ll even go up and help you to look. Sometimes having a third set of eyes helps.”

Debbie nodded and Ryan and Bob took her back upstairs to start searching. I looked at Miles and Renee who sat in silence, staring at their cups of coffee.

Renee shrugged. “I guess we have a new mystery on our hands.”

“Dammit. I was finally on board with this stupid murder mystery, although last night there could have resulted in a real dead body.”

“Excuse me?” Renee looked from Miles to me.

“I’ll let Miles share the lovely details while I go feed the creature who owns me: my stomach.”

I walked into the kitchen to get a helping of whatever Marie had made for breakfast. I was hoping for some pancakes, bacon and hash browns, but was sorely disappointed when all I spotted were a few Danishes and fruit. The Danish. What a disappointment when it came to breakfast pastries. Not as advanced as the croissant and not as fruity as a torte. Basically, it was just a damned outcast. Don’t even get me started on the cheese Danish. What a travesty.

Marie stood at the stove, rolling something in her hands. I walked over to see if maybe I’d get lucky, and we’d have pancakes after all. She quietly muttered to herself and nervously shifted back and forth on her feet. I decided that I would have to cut off her coffee immediately or search for the coke was sniffing.

“What are you making?”

Marie gasped and turned around, dropped a ball of dough and put her hand over her chest.

“Moxie, God you scared me.”

“I see you’re a little on edge there. You might want to tone down the caffeine or take a break from a meth addiction,” I said, chuckling.

She returned my joke with a small laugh, but turned around and continued her cooking.

“What are you making?” I asked.

“Um, dumplings.”

“Those aren’t dumplings. Those are matzo balls,” I said.

“Excuse me?”

“You know, matzo balls. They’re like dumplings but they are made from matzo meal and shaped into balls like the ones your making.”

“Those aren’t balls. They’re dumplings. Besides, they’re made with flour.”

I could see I was going to have to give Marie a lesson on Jewish culture. The matzo ball was an important part of Jewish food groups. It was sort of like the food pyramid. Except at the top of the pyramid was corned beef and pastrami, followed by chopped liver, pickled hearing, kugel, and then at the bottom was matzo balls. This diet was otherwise known as the constipation diet.

But before I could argue my case of the matzo ball any further, yelling erupted from the dining room. I quickly exited the kitchen to see what was happening, and wondered idly if I needed to get the pepper spray from my bag. When we were packing, Miles asked why I had packed pepper spray in my bag. I told him if the house was haunted, I wanted to be prepared. And like the good man he was, he rolled his eyes at my oddities and continued on his way.

“You took my jewels!” Debbie screamed at Sam, who was in nothing but his boxers.

“What jewels? What are you even talking about? Sam raised both arms in the air as if someone was pointing a gun at him. “I did no such thing! I just woke up.”

“Did you forget the rest of your clothes in our room?” I sneered.

“I slept on the couch,” Sam admitted

“Why was that?” Renee asked.

“Destiny kicked me out.”

Miles and I exchanged a silent agreement. We weren’t going to offer up the reason why Destiny might have kicked Sam out of the room. And like magic, Destiny appeared at the bottom of the steps with her bags.

“You trashy bitch! You stole my jewelry,” Debbie snarled and prowled up to Destiny.

“What the fuck are you bitching about, you beauty queen has-been.” Destiny got into Debbie’s personal space, and I swear she bared her teeth like a dog about to attack.

I realized two things were happening. First, the mystery was no longer about the high school reunion, but instead Debbie’s lost million dollar jewels. And second, things were about to get ugly real fast.

“You and your man-trash left the group yesterday so you could go into my room and steal my things.” Debbie’s hands were flailing as she spoke.

“Sugar lamb, calm down,” Bob said.

“I will not calm down. These two pieces of trash are thieves.”

“I don’t have to listen to this shit,” Sam seethed and stormed past the group into the kitchen. Debbie was right behind him, followed by the rest of us who wanted to see what was going to happen. Marie froze with a matzo ball in her hand, even if she wouldn’t admit it was one.

“Give me my things back or my husband will call the cops and take your nasty low-life asses to jail!” Debbie yelled.

“Who are you calling low-life asses, you gold-digging bitch.”

Before anyone else could react, Destiny grabbed a Danish and threw it right in Debbie’s face. Silence took over the room, but not for long.

“And you,” Destiny said, pointing to Sam. “You’re a fucking cheater and an asshole.” She threw another Danish at Sam. Like I said before, the Danish really gets the short end of the stick.

Sam slowly wiped away the cherry filling from his face. “If you weren’t such a cold bitch in the sack, I wouldn’t be looking to get some from Moxie.” Sam took the jug filled with orange juice and poured it over Destiny’s head.