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A hilarious guide to dissing the dicks in your life.After years of meeting and putting up with crap people, a serious illness left Eileen Condon with plenty of time to ask herself why she ever put up with them. Her recovery was aided by countless hours spent in pubs with friend Amanda Edwards where they purged their bile about all the bullies, bitches and bastards that they have encountered.Bullies Bitches and Bastards is the result of their cathartic trawl through a rogues' gallery of crap boyfriends, girlfriends, bosses, family members, neighbours and work colleagues – people whose characteristics read like a thesaurus of cunning: sly, Machiavellian, gerrymandering, duplicitous, crafty, vulpine bastards.There's The Enormous Baby Boyfriend. He thinks you're his mummy. You have to cater to his every whim and pay him round-the-clock attention. Or he'll cry, throw a tantrum and vomit – all over you! Ta-da!Or, how about Beelzeboss? Marvel at the amount of energy they put into bitching and backstabbing. If they worked as hard at their actual job, they'd be Bill Gates. Particularly deft at wheedling out your Achilles heel and using it against you at every opportunity.Have you met Miss-Fortune Teller? She delights in your disasters. Don't be fooled by the sympathetic ear on the end of the phone, she's biting her knuckles with glee, barely able to contain her excitement at the good news that you're having such a bad time.Divided into a number of sections including partners, friends, bosses and colleagues this book will appeal to early mid-life, disaffected, disillusioned, burnt-out 30/40-somethings who have met these grotesques at some point in their lives. They, like the authors, want to see them pinned, slit open and dissected like a frog in a school lab.

The third in the series of silent adventures of the trouserless man, whose cartoon antics abroad showcase the most fun you can have with your trousers off.Enter the extraordinarily ordinary world of a half-dressed man.In the world of ROGER, silence speaks volumes, whether in the workplace, at leisure, or on his travels.The third book in the trilogy takes ROGER outside the womb-like comfort zone of the office and his domestic environment and follows him as he ventures forth on holiday. While dreams of being half-dressed would terrify most ordinary souls, ROGER goes out-and-about with remarkable calm dreamily abandoning his trousers and causing mayhem – and his astonishing wanderlust takes him all over the world, by train, plane and cruise ship.In the office, ROGER seemed content forever to hold his peace – now he is at large, his reputation will continue to precede him…

From the author of Standard Deviation comes a wryly tender story of crises and cardboard boxes; of marriage and moving on. *Includes a free extract from Katherine Heiny’s debut novel, Standard Deviation*'Just as Jane Austen believed that four people cannot comfortably walk abreast, Charlene believes that three people cannot amicably move one person's belongings. At least not when two of the people used to be married to each other, and the marriage resulted in a bitter divorce in order for one of them to marry the third person'When Forrest's ex-wife Barbara calls on him to help her move out of the home they once shared, his second wife Charlie finds herself carrying not only dozens of boxes, but also the weight of their shared past. Barbara and Charlie first met twenty years ago when they volunteered at a suicide crisis hotline, and one night in particular is seared into Charlie's memory…From the author of Standard Deviation comes a wryly tender story of crises and cardboard boxes; of marriage and moving on.

The weirdest stories you will ever read.A bizarre collection of short stories, each featuring a character with an unusual superpower.Meet The Photocopier, a woman who can reproduce herself at will and who attempts to teach her daughter to do the same.Or the zombie hairdresser who is able to reanimate every time she dies.And the man who can break his way into his lover’s dream.Over fifty freaks and misfits feature in this unforgettable book, and each is illustrated by comic book artist Darren Craske.This book contains some text-based images that are optimised for tablet devices.

Conversations from the buses, boardrooms and bars of BritainThink you've heard it all before? Think again with this hilarious collection of conversations from around Britain, overheard at tourist hotspots, in queues, at work and on public transport.Packed full of verbal wit and gags it is guaranteed to get people talking and remember the stupid things that they have overheard.MicrocosmA tired looking mother stands hands on hips in the play park watching her two young children tumble in the dirt.MOTHER:(shouting)Jordan! Syria! Play nice!Casanova on the 137A young Casanova is chattin' on his mobile, while sitting on a bus.CASANOVA:I am so glad you called sweet. Yeaaaahh. Girl I ain't sitting on no bus. I'm here, driving, yeah? Yeah, well you soon see it girl. You gonna come out with me tonight? Cooool. I'm sooo glad you called yeah? I was thinking 'bout you…let's meet up…where? Okay I'll take you there…Yeah I'll take you there girl. I won't bring my wheels if we'ze going there. Thas alright. Thas alright…I'll be there. What's your name girl..? I know what your name is girl, I want you to spell it. Donna, Dana! D-a-n-a yeah? I knew that. I am sooo glad you called yeah? I was thinking 'bout you.A hilarious record of what people really do say. Watch out-you never know who might be listening!

This Booker Prize-winning novel from the author of ‘The Blue Flower’ is set among the houseboat community of the Thames.‘Offshore’ is a dry, genuinely funny novel, set among the houseboat community who rise and fall with the tide of the Thames on Battersea Reach. Living between land and water, they feel as if they belong to neither…Maurice, a male prostitute, is the sympathetic friend to whom all the others turn. Nenna loves her husband but can’t get him back; her children run wild on the muddy foreshore. She feels drawn to Richard, the ex-RNVR city man whose converted minesweeper dominates the Reach. Is he sexually attractive because he can fold maps the right way? With this and other questions waiting to be answered, ‘Offshore’ offers a delightful glimpse of the workings of an eccentric community.

Already a huge hit in France, the new novel from Independent Foreign Fiction Award-winning author of ‘Windows on the World’.In his most autobiographical text to date, Beigbeder recounts his stay in a French police cell in January 2008, after he was arrested for snorting cocaine off a car bonnet outside a nightclub in the super-chic 8th arrondissement of Paris. As he lies in the cell, he revisits his childhood, from the carefree days when his grandfather taught him to skim pebbles at the beach in Cénitz, to his parents’ divorce, the conflicting influences of his hedonistic father and studious, seemingly conventional brother who ‘has it all’, and his own first, unrequited loves. This patchwork of memories is as much a portrait of the era as it is the story of a fragile, self-critical man who has finally dropped the mask.Sharp, witty – with a particularly pitiless irony directed at himself – and yet tender, ‘A French Novel’ is a gem. Beigbeder’s reminiscences, his search for answers in the lost country of his childhood, will speak to a whole generation searching for its soul.

From the bestselling author of ‘Eats Shoots & Leaves’, a wonderfully funny collection of twelve monologues.In the tradition of Alan Bennett's ‘Talking Heads’ come Lynne Truss's twelve bittersweet tales about love, romance, friendship and family. Her six men and six women each have very different stories to tell, ranging from the wife who feels better when her husband disappears to the pedant who undergoes a TV makeover and the swimmer who can't escape the shadow of her sister…but all are funny, touching and as beautifully observed as would be expected from the bestselling author. Whether describing fathers and daughters, married men, cat-lovers or ‘other women’, she is always brilliantly perceptive.

From the Booker Prize-winner of ‘Offshore’, ‘The Blue Flower’ and ‘Innocence’ comes this brilliant novel about life at an eccentric stage school.In the 1960s, Freddie’s was the usual name for the Temple Stage School, which supplied the West End theatres with children for roles in everything from Shakespeare to pantomime. Freddie, the proprietress, is a formidable woman, of unknown age and provenance. But everybody who is anybody claims to know her. By sheer force of character and single-minded thrust she has turned herself into a national institution.This story of what happened at Freddie’s is not only for theatre-lovers, but for people who care about children or hate them, or were – once upon a time – children themselves. In particular, it is for those of us who sometimes pretend to be what we are not – that is to say, act a little.

‘I love all of Sue Moorcroft’s books!’Katie FfordeOne Christmas can change everything…Georgine loves Christmas. The festive season always brings the little village of Middledip to life. But since her ex-boyfriend walked out, leaving her with crippling debts, Georgine’s struggled to make ends meet.To keep her mind off her worries, she throws herself into organising the Christmas show at the local school. And when handsome Joe Blackthorn becomes her assistant, Georgine’s grateful for the help. But there’s something about Joe she can’t quite put her finger on. Could there be more to him than meets the eye?Georgine’s past is going to catch up with her in ways she never expected. But can the help of friends new and old make this a Christmas to remember after all?Curl up with the gorgeous new book from the Sunday Times bestseller, perfect for fans of Carole Matthews and Trisha Ashley.