I wake up holding my ears.  For a long moment I can actually hear the ringing.  It’s exactly the same as that day.  Only when I sit up the sound disappears and the room is silent.  Eerily silent.  I slap my hands together just to hear sound.  I need to be sure I’m awake and the monster is really gone.

Nico

It’s been three days and Elle still won’t answer my calls.  I know I fucked up, and I’ll understand if she never wants to see me again, but I need to see her.  Need to apologize for how I treated her.  She only wanted to help me, and I was too busy wallowing in self-pity to accept it.  I’m a total asshole.

I’ve called and texted.  The flowers that I tried to have delivered were returned to the shop twice because no one answered.  I banged on her door myself, apologizing and asking her to give me just two minutes.  Either she wasn’t home or she hates me so much she won’t even waste her breath to blow me off.

Swallowing my pride, I finally head to her office.  I just need to see her. I promise myself that I won’t make a scene.

“Hi Regina.”  I try to sound casual, instead of the desperate loser that I really am.

“Hi Nico.”

I can tell by her face that she knows something happened.  She tries to smile, but she looks sad.

“Is Elle around?”  I glance over Regina’s shoulder, hoping to catch sight of her.

“No, I’m sorry, she’s not.”

Fuck casual.  I’m desperate.  “Please Regina.  If she told you to tell me she isn’t here, go tell her I need to see her.”

There’s something I think might be pity in Regina’s face when she responds.  “She’s really not here.  She took a few days off.”

“Is she okay?”

“I think so.  She just needs some time.  There’s a lot you don’t understand.”

“I’m in love with her Regina.  I need to see her.  Tell her I’m sorry.”   Until the words come out of my mouth, I hadn’t even admitted it to myself.  But damn it, it doesn’t even scare me.  I need to fix this.  My own shit isn’t even important anymore.  I just need to get to Elle.

Regina looks into my eyes, assessing my sincerity.  She looks conflicted, but then I see her smile and shake her head.  “She’s going to kick my ass for this.  But, here.”  She scribbles something on paper and offers it to me.  “Her stepfather has a cabin out in Spring Grove.  I’m supposed to head there after work.”  I go to take the paper from her hand, but she pulls it back and looks up at me.  “You have until midnight.  If she doesn’t text me not to come by then, I’m coming and you are leaving.  Got it?”

“Got it.”  I’d make a deal with the devil to get that paper from her hand.

I make the three hour drive in just under two and a half hours.  The house is in the middle of nowhere, on a big lake.  It bothers me that she’s up here all by herself.  The closest house is probably at least a mile away.  The inside door is wide open, only a screen door keeping out the unwelcomed.

I knock and feel more alive than I have in days when she responds.  Just hearing her voice brings me a sense of relief.  She yells from somewhere in the distance. She thinks I’m Regina.  “What are you knocking for?  Come in.”

I open the door and step inside, looking around.

“Was Lawrence pissed I didn’t come in again?”  Her voice is coming from the back of the house somewhere, but it’s getting closer.  “Was the drive…”

She finally rounds a corner and stops in her tracks when she sees me.

“What are you doing here?”

“I talked Regina into giving me the address.”

“But…why?”

Hesitantly, I take steps in her direction.  She doesn’t move toward me, but at least she isn’t running the other way either.  I stop when I get in front of her.  She isn’t wearing any makeup and it looks like she’s been crying recently.  I’m such a complete asshole.

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”

Elle says nothing, she’s waiting for me to continue.  “I was out of line the other night.  You were trying to help, and I was…a total asshole to you.”

She half-heartedly smiles at me and nods her head.  “It’s okay.  I get it.  You were upset.  I shouldn’t have pushed.”

I should be happy at hearing her say she forgives me, but it’s what she’s not saying that gives me a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Will you give me a chance to make it up to you?”  I reach out for her hand.  She looks at my hand and then up to my eyes, but she doesn’t give me the hand I am reaching for like a lifeline as I begin to feel myself sink.

“I’m not mad at you, Nico.  But I thought about some of the things you said.  And you’re right.  We’re just too different.”

My heartbeat pounds in my chest.  I forgot that I had told her she was better off with someone more like her.  Fucking William.  That was her response.  I want to break that stuffy asshole in two.  I can’t even look at her.  I need to get out with at least my dignity intact.  At least she let me say my piece.

“Okay, Elle.”  She doesn’t try to stop me as I turn and make my way to the door.

Elle

The next morning I find Regina sleeping on the couch.  Traitor.  She wakes as I’m making breakfast.  Okay, so maybe she didn’t wake, but instead I woke her up by slamming all the pots and pans I took out.  Some of them didn’t actually need to be taken out of the cabinet.  But those just looked extra loud.

“I take it you hate me this morning?”  Regina walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.  “I’m sorry.  He looked so sad and, I thought…thought maybe there was a chance you could work it out.”

“Did you not hear what I told you?  He thinks I’m a monster.  An unredeemable monster.  And he’s right.”

“He said he was a monster.”

“Only because he doesn’t know who I am.  And we’re keeping it that way.”  I look over at Regina for confirmation and she doesn’t look firm on her answer.  “Right, Regina?”

My best friend makes a growl of frustration in response before I hear the words I need to hear.  “Of course, you know I would never tell your secrets.”

Regina is my most trustworthy friend, yet I’m a little relieved to hear her recommit to our vow of secrecy.  She has a soft spot for Nico Hunter.

The next week passes in a blur.  I work twelve hours a day for seven days straight to catch up from the three days I spent wallowing in my self-pity.  There’s always plenty of work to do at my small firm, but ninety hours in a week isn’t really necessary and I know it.  But I need to keep myself busy.  I hate going home.  There’s nothing to do but think.  Think about a man that made my steady, even-keeled life into a roller coaster.  A roller coaster of emotions that I had forgot I was capable of experiencing.

My life was simple before Nico Hunter walked into it.  A good job, a nice guy to date, and no more nightmares.  For ten years I managed to keep my life steady.  I existed.  Then he walked in and suddenly existing wasn’t enough anymore.  And I wanted it.  I wanted to stop existing and start living.  Finally.  But I should have known it wouldn’t work.  Even at my weekly support group, I watched as people’s faces changed once they heard my story.

It’s Thursday evening and I’m late for meeting William.  We’re meeting a client we share at a restaurant.  It’s the last place Nico and I had dinner and just walking in stirs my emotions.  The slightest reminder is all it takes.

William waves to me from the bar when I walk in.  He’s not seated at a table like he normally is when he waits for me because I’m late.

“Hey.”  I look around for our client.  “Is Mr. Munley later than me?”

William stands and kisses me on the cheek and smiles.  “He’s not coming till seven.”