Her husband was killed in a horrific accident, where the driver was under the influence and the passenger was severely injured.  Unfortunately, her husband was the driver and she was the passenger.  So many people tried to help me over the years, but it was Regina who I finally connected with.  We were both racked with guilt and shame, spending all our energy trying to forget what happened in our lives.  She helped me take baby steps forward when I thought I needed to run backwards.

I recognize a few faces as we take our seats in the back row, some have been here for ten years like us, for others it may be their first time.  Anyone can share their story, there’s supposed to be no judgment between members.  After ten minutes, I start to relax.  As much as I hate to admit it, Regina was right for bringing me here.  The past few days have opened up old wounds, and there is comfort in hearing the leader’s kind words on forgiveness.  It also makes me think I did the right thing with Nico, even if he doesn’t recognize it.  I’d rather him heal and hate me than suffer and stand by my side.

The usual group leader announces a new member would like to speak.  We’re reminded of the phone’s off rule, and I’m still digging in my disorganized bag in search of my phone when the voice hits me.  I know it’s him, but when I look up I still can’t believe what my eyes are seeing.  He doesn’t look up as he speaks quietly.

“A smart woman told me to come here months ago...but I was too stubborn to listen.”

Nico inhales deeply, pushing a loud breath out before he begins, his face still looking down.

“Eighteen months ago I killed a man.  I didn’t intend to, but it happened anyway.  I’m a fighter and it happened in the cage.  The ref ruled it a clean hit, but it doesn’t change that it was my hand that dealt him the blow that killed him.

I’ve spent the last year of my life under a cloud of guilt and shame.  I went on, going through the motions every day, but I was dead too.  I grieved for the loss of the man, and the loss of who I was.  For a whole year.  A year of my life that I can’t get back. But it wasn’t until today that I realized I even lost it.”

Nico pauses and I hold my breath as I watch his head slowly rise.  His eyes find mine instantly, just like every other time.  Everything else in the room disappears and it’s as if we’re the only two in a long tunnel, sitting on opposites ends, but inexplicably drawn to each other.

“Then today I was given a gift.  A gift by an amazing woman.  She gave me the gift of forgiveness because I thought that was what I needed to move on.  But I was wrong.  No one was keeping me from moving on, only me.  She taught me more about fighting for what you want than I’d learned spending half my life in the cage. I finally get it…what makes us move on is to accept what we feel and share it.”

Nico’s voice becomes shaky and I fight the urge to go comfort him, but I can’t hold back the stream of tears that fall from my face silently.

“Today I made peace with it, Babe.  And you gave that to me.  I only wish there was something I could give you back that meant as much as what you did for me.  But there isn’t one thing big enough to call it even.  So if you’ll have me, I want to spend the next fifty or sixty years trying to repay you…saying thank you every day.  Because you, lady, are all I need.”

My feet can’t get to him fast enough.  I almost knock over two rows of folding chairs in front of me, trying to make my way.  But when I finally do, he holds me so tight that everything else fades away and I know we’re going to be okay.  As long as we have each other.

Six months later

Elle

It’s almost one on Saturday afternoon when I leave the office.  Nico asked me to come to the gym to help him with something.  He’s being elusive, won’t tell me what it’s all about.  There’s a bit of a knot in my stomach as I drive, hoping I’m not going to be hearing bad news.  The last six months have been the happiest time in my life.  I hadn’t even realized what I’d been missing till I met Nico Hunter.  But he has another fight coming up soon and I worry he may have heard news that could push him back.  We’ve made such progress, individually and as a couple.  Both of us finally putting our past in its place and moving forward…together.  We don’t try to drown it out anymore, like it or not, our past is our own, and it’s made us who we are today.  Accept and move on.

I’m surprised when I find the gym almost empty.  Usually on Saturdays the place is filled with guys with no necks.  Sal’s at the front desk and tells me Nico’s waiting for me in the storage room.  The storage room is a big open space, almost half the size of the gym, only it’s unfinished and bare, with a few metal shelves lining the walls and some decade-old file cabinets.  Nico must be filing paperwork, something he dreads and lets pile up for way too long.

The storage room is dark when I open the door and I’m just about to pull the door shut when a nameplate on the door catches my eye.  The Women’s Annex.  I don’t recall ever seeing it before and certainly I would have remembered anything that has to do with women in this macho male gym.

Curiosity gets the best of me, so I reach in and switch on the light, stunned at the vision I find before my eyes as they adjust from the darkness.  What once looked like an oversized garage is now completely refinished.  The walls are painted a pale pink, there’s rubber matting on the floor, similar to the black ones in the gym, but these are light grey, less obtrusive.  Pictures hang on the walls, most of women in gym clothes exercising and kickboxing. To my right, there’s a wall lined with exercise equipment, all sparkling chrome, shiny and new.  Large mirrors cover the walls behind the equipment and movement in its reflection catches my eye and startles me for a second.  I turn to my left following the reflection and find Nico standing in the doorway of a room, a room that wasn’t even there the last time I was in here to grab some supplies.

“Confused?”  Nico grins at me, he looks pleased to find that I am.

“When did you do all this?  And why didn’t you mention you were getting work done?”

“Because I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“It’s beautiful.”  I look around, taking in the entirety of the transformation.  It really is pretty.  Different from the muscle head gym that stands on the other side of the door.  It looks soft and inviting, not hard and intimidating.  “But it looks so…different from the rest of the gym?”

Nico chuckles.  “That’s because it is different, Babe.”

“It’s a women’s gym?”

“Sort of.”  Pushing his body from the door frame, Nico walks to me.  I stand and watch as he comes towards me, knowing he won’t leave any distance between us, he’ll invade my space.  And he does.  He stops directly in front of me, close enough so that the hairs on my arms raise and my body responds to his nearness.  I’ll never tire of what this man does to me.

Nico wraps his hand around my neck, pulling me in for a quick kiss on the lips, releasing me only enough so I can see his face, but our bodies are still touching when he continues.  “This is the new women’s self defense center.  I worked it out with Janna over at the battered women’s shelter you volunteer at.  I’m going to teach classes three nights a week, after the fight gym closes, get women to learn how to defend themselves.”

I don’t know what to say for a minute, it’s rare I’m actually rendered speechless. Nico doesn’t move. Instead he waits, giving me time to collect my thoughts.  His thumb rubs soothingly up and down the back of my neck while I let it all sink in.  “You did this for me?”  The words come out as a whisper, a thought that escaped my mouth.

“I did it for us.  I couldn’t be there for you and your mom when you needed help.  I know it makes no sense, but I’ll never forgive myself for not being there for you then.  But I can try to be there for the next woman who needs to defend herself.”  Nico pauses, searching my eyes for something intently.  “You changed my life, gave me peace.  I promised you I’d spend the rest of my life trying to give back to you what you gave me.  This is just the start.”